A Twelve Step Program for Shul Schmoozers

Rabbi Shlomo Cohen 6/18

  1. Dina D’Malchusa – You have freedom of Speech – Use it or
    lose it!
  2. Minhag Avoseinu: Your father and grandfather talked in Shul. It
    is your birthright to prattle. Don’t ignore it!
  3. You must come to Shul at least 20 -30 minutes late and insist
    on walking all around the Shul, greeting all your friends as loudly
    as possible.
  4. After donning your Talis, you should begin a serious
    conversation over the heads of, minimally, three Mispallelim. This
    is the true meaning of “Bain Adam L’Chaveiro”
  5. You pay dues, not don’ts, so ‘do’ yak any time you wish. By
    (your) definition , nothing you say is Loshon HaRa.
  6. Try not to chatter too much louder than the Sheliach Tzibur,
    however, you can simply ignore the Baal Koreh.
  7. If you are in the Kiddush Club, you are excused for the last
    three Aliyos to set up.
  8. Kiddush club officially begins by the Haftorah, which isn’t that
    important anyway. The Kiddush club room should be in close
    proximity to the Shul proper so your conversation may be
    properly heard and appreciated over the noise of Davening.
  9. Should you choose to go back in for the Rav’s Drasha,
    remember that you are entitled to continue yammering, albeit in a
    stage whisper.
  10. Be sure to make enough L’Chaims so you are suitably loud,
    boisterous and irksome for Musaf. By the end of Musaf, all the
    world’s problems will have been discussed and solved with
    enough time left for sports, movies and determining where to buy
    the best sushi.
  11. Hushers and shooshers are to be ignored until their attempts
    to quiet you gets on your nerves at which point you should glare
    at them ominously. Should they dare to continue, you may
    threaten them with bodily harm.
  12. Consistency counts. Be sure your behavior in Shul is
    consistent with your behavior at the ballpark, or your favorite bar.

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