A Scientific Analysis of the Densest Material Known To Man

Shlomo Cohen


An international team of top-flight physicists met at a forum to discuss progress in their field. The conference lasted several days and the ideas produced will be fueling speculation for years to come.

After years of experimentation, the team of Prof. Seymour D’Tale, his grandmother, Lotta D’Tale  and Dr. Asher Yatzar have discovered that man-made radioactive materials at the high end of the Table of Elements are not the heaviest, nor the densest, materials in the world. In a paper that has shaken the scientific and culinary worlds, Prof. Tale et.al. (grandma always saw to it that they et it al) announced that the densest material in the world is – the Matza Ball. Actually, this came as no surprise to chicken soup lovers.

In a rigorous experiment, he served chicken soup, made in the famous cooking school at the University of Essen, with his grandmother’s matza balls. This was served for lunch on the second day of the conference. 1/4 of those present had matza ball soup. !/4 were given clear chicken soup, ¼ split pea and barley and ¼ were given no soup at all. This last control group was so upset at not being given any soup they nearly walked out of the conference.

The following effects were immediately noted by the participants:

-Matza balls alone don’t do much. The chicken soup is the catalyst.

– The one non-Jewish physicist [this is almost an oxymoron, so in fact is he] at the conference tried a matza ball in chicken soup and was immediately ‘hooked’. Subsequently, he had to sell his house and move to BoroPark to satisfy his craving.

– Only those who had the matza balls were effected.

-There was a noted attraction between the matza ball and the spoon. In fact, the force of the attraction was so great that most often the spoon was driven cleanly through the matza ball.

– The density was such that the well-known axiom, that a matza ball cannot be eaten without chicken soup, was proven once and for all to everyone’s delight.

– The heat retention capabilities of a single matza ball clearly defies any explanation offered by Newton’s Laws. An amendment to the Law of Thermodynamics is presently being contemplated.

– Time dilation effects were measured as each matza ball was gone almost before you knew it.

– Belt and waistline dilation was also marked. It has been difficult to achieve a strict equation between matza ball consumption and waistline growth.  Among the variables noted were whether the consumer drank their tea with or without a sugar cube between their teeth and how full of schmaltz was the chicken.

– The above effect has been proven to be temporary. It was duly noted that matza balls are a great weight loss medium since the net gain in calories is clearly offset by carrying around the weight of the matza ball for over a week as well as the number of calories burnt in digesting the blasted thing.

– Since each matza ball was carefully and accurately measured to the exact size of grandma’s handful, +/- a “smidge”, the sense of fullness could not be accounted for until one of the waiters pointed out the correlation to Einstein’s theory of relativity. Apparently, Prof. Tale’s grandmother was Einstein’s second cousin.

– Even those who ordinarily talked with food in their mouth were unable to do so while eating matza balls. This last effect is still being discussed, after swallowing of course, to determine if this is a function of the matza ball or a psychological effect of remembering that your grandmother gave you a dirty look if you talked while eating.

– The density of the matza ball was such that an immediate lethargy was noted among those participants who ate them. Each had to retire for an afternoon nap thus missing Dr. Mischa K. Bibble’s noted presentation on “Speculations on the mass of the church”. Since federal funds had been used Dr. Bibble is facing charges of mixing church and state.

Current theories imply that the nature of the matza ball is similar in structure to that of a neutron star. When Shmura matza meal was used the density surpassed that of a black hole. Studies indicate that the chemical interaction of the matza meal with the fatty molecules of the chicken soup actually strips away the electrons within the matza ball itself. These electrons are actually found floating in their free state on top of the chicken soup. Initial reports indicate that these globules of free electrons are great fun to play with.

Chemically, the equation looks like this:      Cs2Mb2C4+(NaCl+Pp)sm=PN2

Where an equal volume of Chicken soup (Cs) is added to 2 Matza balls (Mb)and 4 pieces of Carrot (C) and a smidge of salt (NaCl)& pepper (Pp) the result is Perpetual Nachas (PN) squared.

Several other experiments were immediately proposed and were carried out.

– Referees from a number of prestigious scientific journals set up some rigorous controls. All of the participants were given canned matza balls, frozen matza balls and matza balls made by a shicksa. None of the effects were noted. In fact, those made by the shicksa resulted in an immediate, and almost lethal, rise in LDL’s as opposed to the rise in HDL’s when made by grandma from scratch {and here you thought they were made from matza}.

– The results, surprisingly, were noted even if canned or packaged chicken soup was used although the sample was quite small as the purists would not even consider eating it.

-Volunteers were called for to have doubles. Most everyone accepted the challenge although there were no takers, and many a groan was heard, when a call was put out to try for thirds. Etymologists were quick to note that this is the origin of the saying “to chicken out”.
– An acrimonious argument was settled as those who maintained that potato latkes are actually denser realized that none of the after-effects of matza balls were noted among latke eaters except for the belt-loosening. A follow-up experiment was attempted to see if latkes had the same effects if eaten without applesauce or sour cream but there were no volunteers for this experiment.

– NASA, proudly made up of individuals who can say, “this is rocket science.”, is now looking into a solid rocket propellant made of the active ingredient in matza balls. Separating it out has proven elusive. Additionally, while only a few grams of fuel will boost the rocket, so much broth is needed as a catalyst as to make the venture non-profitable although it certainly solves the problem of what the astronauts can eat when they are in orbit. If nothing else, they shouldn’t catch cold.

-Several scientists took a tiny amount of matza ball to the nearest Particle Accelerator. The specimen was placed in the machine and put through its paces. Once accelerated, the matza ball took only nano-seconds to reach the speed of light. When a purer specimen, without the addition of salt and pepper (carrots seem to have no effect one way or another) was used, history was made as it overtook the speed of light easily, thus going back in time. Careful tracking has led scientists to believe that it left hyper-space some 55 years in the past, broke in two with one piece striking Hiroshima and, shortly after, the other landing in Nagasaki. The FBI has interred Grandma Tale in the Pentagon under the “Secret Weapons Act of 2004”.  The United Nations is now considering a proposal to try Prof. Tale’s grandmother on charges of crimes against humanity. All those who’ve had to eat her matza balls have agreed to testify.



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