THE GAONESS BOOK OF WORLD JEWISH RECORDS

Rabbi Shlomo Cohen

www.hiqjew.com

While we are not interested in preventing bar fights, fights in the Bais Medrash are another story. These amazing records have been duly validated and are recognized by the World Board of World Records. If you wish to try for a record, the policy of the Board is that all dangerous activities must have, on location, a full complement of Hatzala workers.

LONGEST TZITZIS

Irving Fenstermacher, starting in 1990 through the present, has succeeded in tying a pair of Tzitzis, one corner of which is now 72 feet long. It contains over 1,080 knots and has some 10,000 windings. Irving also has a very rare form of obsessive-compulsive behavior.

Shemona Esray- Longest

Menachem Mendel Gross, in his first week in a Ba’al Tshuva Yeshiva, began a Shemona Esray for Shachris on Tuesday and did not take three steps out until Thursday after Mincha. Weak from hunger, Menachem Mendel declined comment other than to say that two pages had gotten stuck together in his siddur.

SHORTEST SHEMONA ESRAY

This category has been discontinued since nobody has been able to beat any third grade yeshiva boy. From beginning to end, times in the hundredths of a second are regularly achieved by whole classes. For some reason this only works when Rebbe is not in the room. This record is also associated with the FASTEST SHUCKLE.

Most Difficult Shuckle

J.J. Moskowitz, for a short time on Yom Kippur in 1989, managed the exceedingly difficult double shuckle with a full bob and half twist. His chiropractor expects a full recovery.

Easiest Shuckle

All riders of the Monsey Minyon buses agree that they need not expend any effort in shuckling as the bus does it for them. If timed properly with the bus rounding corners, bending and bowing are likewise effortless.

Gefilte fish balls

Selma Coleman downed 753 gefilte fish balls in 17 minutes at the smorgasbord of a friend’s wedding on August 13, 1993. Joey Blackman swallowed 907 fish balls whole in only 15 minutes, however, the Committee disallowed the record as he swallowed them with the gel which was deemed unsportsmanlike.

Kazayis of Matza at the seder

Rabbi E. Eidenstat holds the record for the swallowing a Chazon Ish Shiur of matza, at his seder in 1997, in only 2.14 seconds. A passing car backfiring, scared him into swallowing the matza whole.

Fastest Megila reading

The early bird Shacharis Minyon at Anshei Rodfim in Manhattan heard Cantor Bluefield read the entire Megila in 7 minutes 45 seconds. Unfortunately, the only time he did take a breath was in the middle of Haman’s 10 sons leaving the record questionable at best.

Quickest Matza ball maker

Mrs. Esther Finagler reportedly made 450 matza balls, for a neighbor’s sheva brachos, in only 12 minutes. It was a last minute affair. That comes to 1.6 seconds per matza ball. Guests reported that they were no more edible than her usual matza balls.

The longest Payos

Aryeh Schekdorfer has not trimmed his Payos since birth. In February 2003, by age 49, they had attained an uncurled length of 18’ 7 3/4”.

Most Machmir

Gutman Himmelfarb has pored over obscure manuscripts for years in search of new Chumros. Among his more notable finds:

Gutman does not eat or drink dairy as he, himself, is fleishig.

He has separate meat and dairy garbage pails. Even though he doesn’t use dairy he is concerned about Maris Ayin.

He has doubled all Chazon Ish Shiurim as a Siyug.

He keeps Yom Tov Sheni Shel Galyus for Purim and Chanuka.

He walks around continuously with a glass of water lest he start a Bracha by mistake. He can finish it with a Shehakol and be prepared to drink immediately.

All his fruit and vegetables are put through two full cycles of the washing machine, with soap, to rinse away bugs.

He will only eat on metal dishes, which are torched after every meal

He sleeps in a Mikva [with a special head strap to prevent him from drowning] so he is never Tamay from Keri even for an instant.

FARTHEST FROM HOME

Mendy Freeman and his wife Mushka are the Lubavitcher Shlichim at the South Pole. Mendy reports that there’s not much to do there but that’s offset by the need to daven only twice a year.

MOST JEWISH NAME

Zundel Cohn had his name legally changed to Goldhimmelfarbersilverbergerbergson.

LONGEST SEUDA

‘Skinny’ Dorfman washed for lunch on May 3, 1982 and has not stopped eating since. He has not yet had to Bentch. He is also the WORLD”S HEAVIEST JEW at 884 lbs. ‘Skinny’ tells us that his favorite food is a peanut butter and calf’s foot jelly sandwich on toasted club with Vidalia onion slices.

FANCIEST CHANDELIER

Helena Skynczski, formerly of Budapest, has added a new crystal daily to her dining room chandelier for the past eighteen years. Quarterly, she has also added two new 60 watt bulbs. Currently, it has 6,873 baubles and 152 bulbs putting out 9,120 watts of light. It cannot be viewed any longer as there is no space in the dining room and is too bright to look at anyway.

BLACKEST HAT

Yiddel Kapustnik achieved a blackness from which zero light reflects. Most people are convinced he’s not wearing a hat at all. Cosmologists are studying his process to emulate a black hole in the laboratory.

SHIDDUCHIM

MOST DATES

Minna Freidhoffer, from 1979 to the present, has been out an average of twice a week totaling 2,600 dates. She has only gone out with one of them twice thinking, maybe, there was “something there”.

MOST BORING DATE

On July 18, 2001, Zalman Bebble took out Zelda Zitzfleish for a date to the lobby of the local Holiday Inn. He brought two paper cups, filled them with ice from the motel’s ice machine, waited for it to partially melt and added cherry kool-ade. Without a word, they nursed their drinks for over 16 hours, each waiting for the other to begin the conversation. Asked by her Shaddchan if she would date him a second time, she agreed saying that she wanted to get to know him better.

CHEAPEST DATE

Zalman was a far second to Paltiel Grubner who, on July 20, 2001 tried to break Zalman’s record. Paltiel walked from his home in KewGardens to his date’s home in Brooklyn. He made her walk across the Williamsburg Bridge into Manhattan where they stood in front of a Pizza shop just to smell the delicious odors and then walked back home. This record is pending the court’s ruling on whether Paltiel has to pay medical costs to his date for her podiatrist’s bill as he neglected to tell not to wear high heels.

WEDDINGS

MOST LAVISH WEDDING

When Mr.& Mrs. Asher Gold’s son, Richie, married Mr. & Mrs. Ronald Golden’s daughter, Zahava, or as she is usually called, Goldie, the two families opted for a gold motif. Epsom Caterers did a beautiful job claiming they only had difficulty with the pheasant. The gold spray paint did not adhere well. The Kalla decided to hyphenate her maiden name with her married name making her Zahava Goldie Golden-Gold.

BIGGEST WEDDING

When the Spetziala Rebbe married his daughter to the scion of the Kapusta dynasty they rented both Yankee Stadium, for the men, as well as Giant Stadium, for the ladies. The cavalcade from one stadium to the other for the Mitzva Tans tied up traffic in two states for 6 hours.

MOST EXPENSIVE WEDDING

See above

MOST EXPENSIVE WEDDING AS AN ACTUAL PERCENT OF INCOME

To marry off their daughter, the Rosensweigs borrowed 782% of their annual income from welfare, section 8 and food stamps.

WORST MOTHER-IN-LAW

This category has been closed as any entry will provoke many to say that their mother-in-law is worse.

MOST LONGSTANDING RECORD

Methusala has retained the record for World’s oldest man for 4,000 years. Although many have tried for this record, few have even come close. Some men do claim their marriages seem longer.

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